mental health · writings

a diary extract; exhaustion, overload and a buzzy brain

“I write this on a day where I have been so sick I have been unable to get out of bed, have been passing in and out of consciousness all day and have been overwhelmingly exhausted and very easily over-stimulated by everything I try to do. Even reading a page of my book lead my brain to become so buzzy and wired that the intrusive thoughts began almost immediately and then the internal screaming developed. The intrusive screaming has been a new addition to the chaotic collective of thoughts and voices in my mind but it is a rather disturbing one. I begin to feel overloaded after a slow insidious build up of mundane events that don’t even cross my mind to take into account; the sound of traffic, more vibrant dreams than usual, a stimulating movie the night before, even the choice of breakfast I make that day can have a considerably effect on how I can deal with sensory overload and manage my emotions. Oftentimes it just simply hits me like an invisible wall out of nowhere; one moment I can feel it suddenly beginning to become too much and within a few minutes I will be in full blown overload mode and unable to cope with anything, and have to dramatically change my situation and find a calmer alternative to decrease the amount of stimulation around me.”

Interesting, this was written several months ago, and I find it quite therapeutic and cathartic to go back and read old journal entries, especially as it helps me to understand how I feel now in comparison, how I’ve grown, how far we’ve come since then. Or perhaps it simply highlights how chaotic and deep my mind actually goes when the barriers go down and it is just me and my computer keyboard.

The process of journalling and writing for healing never stops amazing me, and just how much easier it is to process how I’m feeling in comparison to trying to say the words verbally. Writing soothes the soul like none other.

Mell x


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