I have found recently just how difficult it is to be on my own all of the time. Since moving to Swanage to live with my partner, I have had to face the reality of living in my own space, being in my own head, 90% of the time while he is out at work, the incredible provider that he is, while I attempt to get myself together after having to finish work last August due to significant health and emotional problems.
But loneliness? I have never felt lonely like this before. I have always loved my own space, I crave freedom and need a lot of downtime to re-regulate myself from so much stimulation and overwhelm of the world around me, so this is always something I had very much grown to love and appreciate.
But the major difference here, is that I have no choice in the loneliness – this is not freedom, it is entrapment, suffocating, overwhelmingly quiet. It gives my inner demons their breathing space to rise into my mind and wreck havoc with my mental and emotional health. I thought I had dealt with so much of my past pain and confusion, but apparently not. I am isolated here, in a little town cut off from the rest of the world, spending a substantial amount of time on my own when I am used to being constantly surrounded by my tribe (family), with a man I barely see and I have no friends here.
I guess, looking back, it wasn’t going to take me long to go a little stir crazy.
I must count my blessings though; swanage is a quirky little place and I am surrounded by incredible natural beauty of the Purbecks and Jurassic coast. The worst thing is the guilt when I talk about such things – there are definitely worse places I could be living right now! It is just this overwhelming pounding of loneliness, this isolation, and yet abandoned into this sense of internal anxiety that beats through my body every moment of the day, which stops me wanting to go out and meet people, which of course makes the condition so much worse.
I have my little art studio, and my Etsy business, and I am trying to make a go of things. But I have to admit, this is really challenging. Factor in having to work around the unpredictability of my chronic fatigue condition and it makes life a little more uncertain, and makes things incredibly difficult to plan for.
I am hoping that writing this blog will help, as writing is such a soul soother, and I am also looking for local creative writing and art therapy groups, wellbeing & mental health peer support groups and other things to get involved with while I am here, hopefully it will help to alleviate some of that sense of loneliness. There is also a depression support group in the local area that meets every two weeks which I’m going to pop along to and try it out, maybe it will help.
Maybe I’ll just go out for a walk and get some much needed sunshine on my skin. Here’s to ramblings.